I went out for a smoke, while I had the house to myself. I wasn’t about to smoke in the house, even though it was cold out, but I heard the swing next door. The chain shake, and looked over just in time to see the boy next door land.
He jumped off the swing, and came right over to the fence. I was a little disappointed that it was him, but I looked around. At the windows, then back at him when the fence shook.
This neighborhood, it’s all cookie cutter 3 bedrooms, with 2 plans. The regular house, like mine, and the mirror image. Other than different siding, or painted a different color, maybe some brick, or fake stone, but we didn’t have a garage.
We had a car-port, but next door. They had a garage, and that ment no windows, on my side. Mom had a window over the kitchen sink to look out, but then, the little boy unbuttoned his pants, and held his shirt up.
“Huh!” He must be gay, but he didn’t have a little boner yet. Instead, he pinched it, and squeezed the head out, to let a stream of piss shoot through the fence. It had stopped raining, but I felt the filter, and rolled it back and forth in my fingers.
Of course, he must have seen me pissing in the corner, not that I did that to show him my dick, or anything but. I just didn’t check, and see if he was out in the yard, and maybe he got the wrong idea. The gutters were still dripping, and the trees too. What with that, and watching him piss through the fence, I felt a little pressure in my bladder.
So, instead of putting it out, and going back inside, I took another look around, the fences. “Huh!”
Like the houses, the yards were all the same size, and it was all 4′ chain link, they put in along with everything. The sod, and the same windows. With [+] shaped bars up, so I guess nobody could climb in, if they broke your window.
I guess you could reach up, and unlock the latch, if you’re careful, but I saw her bangs, peeking up above the sill, in the house right behind us. That helped, it was kinda gay to just flop it out in front of a little boy, over the railing, and let my bladder empty out.
Normally, I went in one of the corners. I turned my head, or kept turning it, while I kept an eye on the window. So, she thought I didn’t see her, got brave, and her smile appeared over the sill. Her jackolantern smile, with teeth missing, and one stranded in the middle. A little bud sticking out next to it, but not grown out yet. Then, I glanced back at the boy next door. He shook the fence, but looking down, and pushing his boner with his thumb.
His little boner, not much bigger than his thumb, but then it slipped off, and flipped up. “Huh!” I finished pissing, a while ago, but I shivered, and remembered her. The girl, I know her name, and all my neighbors’ too. Even her next door neighbors, on either side, where they shared a corner with us, but I’m not going to write them down.
You want my address, too? I even hung out with their older brothers, and sisters, the ones that had them, old enough to ride the same bus, to the high school. It was that kind of neighborhood, cheap cookie cutter 3 bedrooms, for suburban couples to raise a family.
I don’t know what the odds were, that the boy next door would be gay for me, but, just my luck. The older girl, I guess she was about 7 or 8, since she was still getting visits from the tooth fairy. Coming in at night, and reaching under the pillow. Instead of under the sheets, to pull up her night gown, and feel inside her warm panties.
“Huh! Huh!” I looked over, to see the boy, going to town with 2 fingers, and his thumb. I slowed down, but so did he. Matching my pace, I almost stopped, before I got too close. I really should have hurried up, but I was starting to enjoy this, then I heard a door squeak.
The screen door, behind me, I tried to stuff it back in my fly, with my pants still buttoned, but than I heard it swing shut again. That screen door, not next door, but next door to the girl, who ducked down again, so only her eyes, and bangs showed over the sill.
“Uh!” I went soft enough to get it back in my fly, and underwear, but it was still chubby. I heard a splash, and looked back to see another girl. A little girl, had to be about his age, so 6 ish? More than a toddler, but maybe just about to get her first loose tooth, I though.
She had her rubber ducky boots on, to jump in puddles, and she didn’t even look up at me, but school’s out. Of course, I just finished my homework, and the rain stopped, so all the kids were coming out to play.
I guess, it was the economy, because nearly all the kids in the neighborhood were from 2 income families. Latchkey kids, like me, if they even had both parents, still together, but if not, then the divorced mommies, or daddies had to work even harder to make rent, or pay off the mortgage. Save up to put their kids through college, but I was the youngest, and there wasn’t much left for me.
Not even to have a car, so I could go out driving, and maybe find a chick that wanted to go for a ride. Hop in the back seat with me, no. I was stuck here, with the kids. The gay little boy next door, and the little girls behind me.
Bangs came out, and ran over to the fence, to talk to her friend. They whispered in the corner, and looked over at me. Giggling. Bangs pumped her fist, in front of her dress, as if she had a penis, instead of a luscious bare puffy virgin cunt.
Look, I’m not into, little girls, you know. If I could go out, and pick up chicks my age, I would, but you know high school girls. If you don’t have a car, don’t bother. Especially in winter, because it’s too cold to do it anywhere but the back seat, unless you have the house to yourself.
“Hey, mister.” She said my name, my first name, but that’s how she talked to people. Called them Mister John, or Miss Sally. If she knew her first name, it was childish, but she pointed. “You want to show her your Peter, too?”
“Sh!” I looked back, but the boy was just sitting on the swing. He wasn’t even swinging, or looking at me. He had his pants back up, and his shirt tucked in, he was just sitting there, with his head down, but then I saw a dirty little grin, on his mouth.
He must’ve been looking out of the corner of his eye, I knew that trick. Hell, I just used it on Bangs, so maybe that’s where he learned it, but I guess he’s just ashamed of being gay.
“Keep your voices down.” I ran over, “You want the whole neighborhood to hear you?”
They shook their heads, and giggled. “I want to see it, up close, and her too.” Bangs looked around, but she’s a brunette. I looked back, through the side yard, but nobody was on the street, or in the driveway across the street, where they could see us.
“Well, it’s only fair if I get to see your’s, too.” I looked over the fence, and unzipped my fly again, to fish it out.
They giggled, and the little one said “We don’t have Peters, we’re girls.”
“Oh, well what do you have?” I leaned over the corner, careful not to catch my jacket on the points, sticking out of the top of the fence. “Just pull your panties out, and show me. “Huh?”
While I was distracted, Bangs stuck her hands through the fence. “Your hands are cold.” My balls tried to crawl up inside me. “You better warm them up. Yeah, just like that.” She was a natural, either that, or she learned quick, because she started stroking, as much as she could through the fence.
“Like thith.” She lisped, and the tip of her tongue stuck out, through the gap where a new tooth was just starting to stick out.
“See?” Her friend stuck her hips out, holding her pink panties open with both thumbs, and the fence shook. With a sound like jingle bells, I think, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. As much as I wanted to see more, all I had was a glimpse of the soft little puff, from above. Not even the bald virgin crack below that, then I heard their giggles ringing in my ears.
“No, thilly. He just pithed.”
“What is that stuff? It doesn’t look like pee.” She shook her head, but some time, while I had my eyes closed, she let her panties lie flat over her bald little bump, and reached up for the fences. In the corner, where she couldn’t reach through 2 fences, and around the one pole to get her cold little hands on mine.
“Ith sperm.” Bangs carefully pulled her hands back in, and enunciated. “It goeth in here.” Pulling up her dress, and holding her panties out, to stick her slimy fingers in there. “To make babieth.”
“Huh!” I heard a car pull up, and ran back behind the porch, before they pulled in. Thank god it was across the street, and not my parents getting home from work, but the girls giggled, and ran off. To their own back doors, to go inside, and Bangs took my load with her.
In her panties, and even in her tight little pubeless cunt. There was no way, she even had her period yet, so she wasn’t going to get pregnant, I hoped. Then she’d have to answer questions about how she got knocked up, and who she’d been jacking off, in the neighborhood.
Who else? “Huh!” I caught my breath, and got out my pack, to light up again. “Hey, hey you. Mister wiener.” The boy next door was back, shaking the fence. “Can I have some, too?”
“Smoke?” I held it up. He nodded. “You know, you shouldn’t smoke, so young. You could get in trouble, if anybody knew, but.” I held it over the fence. “You don’t want to tell any of the boys you know, your mom, and dad, or anyone, what you did. Is gay, you don’t want anybody to know you’re gay, either.”
“Ugh cough!” He dropped it, and shook his head. Then, he ran off, coughing, and I heard the squeak of his faucet. he ran over to the end of the hose, and picked it up to drink it, but the butt went out. Well, halfway out, but by the time I fished it out through the fence, it was already soaked on the bottom, hissing, and sizzling.
“Huh!” Well, at least I got it back, before his mom, or dad found it, and accused me of flipping butts in their yard.
That just reminded me of the other evidence, i left, and the little girl, with the bangs. Standing in the window, with her skirt up, holding it with her arm, and her hand in her panties, right inside the window. Watching me.
“Huh!” Don’t be afraid, she’s not going to tell, right? Even if she gets caught, with her cum stained panties, but you know. She could blackmail me with that, if she wanted to. I better talk to her before her folks get home, and maybe have her talk to her little friend next door.
I have no idea if either one of them can keep the secret, but I should have thought of that, before I let them go too far. I tried to wave her out, but she shook her head, and pulled her hand out, to close her blinds.
“Huh!” It feels like I’m about to have a heart attack. Aren’t you supposed to get chest pains? Or maybe like I just ran a mile, and smoking. That doesn’t help, but no matter how fast, and hard I try to breathe, it doesn’t feel like enough.
All I could think about, until mom, and dad got home was her mom, and dad getting home, and finding the cum stains in her panties, so she has to tell them where she got it, and her lying. Saying I made her, and forced myself inside her, so it leaked out when I got done popping her cherry, and she pulled her undies back up.
“Huh!” I’m crying, and jerking off, at the same time? “Uh uh uh uh uh. No, don’t tell. Please don’t tell, I’ll do anything. Anything you want me to, just promise me you won’t tell. I don’t want to go to jail, I’m too young to go to jail, and I’m not gay like, uh! Huh? The fgh? Nghm!”
Maybe I am, turning gay? That little faggot, it’s his fault, and way to ruin a good orgasm. Thinking about him bending over, and shaking his butt, for all the big bad tattoed faggots in jail, but I couldn’t help it!
There’s a lot to unpack, but feel free to skip this part. There’s a difference between childish curiosity, and sexuality. Even homosexuality, so starting with the boy next door:
He probably didn’t know what he was doing, or understand it. He’s just mimicing what he saw an older boy do, repeatedly. Flashing the girls around his yard to get hard, and masturbate in front of them.
Without touching them, but he’s a psychopath. That’s why he didn’t feel any remorse, only the fear of getting caught, and punished for his serial sex offenses. With a little internalized homophobia thrown in, but that’s not gay, either.
He just saw an opportunity to show off, and rationalized it as the boy being gay for him, to feed his ego. TBPH, it’s not sex, it’s abuse. Masturbation, and exposure, to reassure himself that he’s not a loser, who’s afraid of girls.
One step away from an incel, or “Men Going their Own Way,” which are basically incels that don’t have the balls to admit that they can’t get laid, to blame women, and girls for being scared off by their creepy sexism. Chicks don’t dig creepy sexist.
“Bangs” is probably a special case, of his thoughtless disorganized clumbsy attempts to seduce a girl. It doesn’t matter what girl, nor even have to be a girl, just as long as it’s flattering enough to feed his ego. To some degree, it partially worked. At least he sparked her curiosity enough for her to take an interest, start thinking about sex too young, and also explain all she learned to the girl next door, in her rubber ducky boots.
This comes full circle, the vicious cycle of abuse, because the sexual abusers that aren’t congenital psychopaths generally learn by being abused by congenital psychopaths. Lied to, and learning how to lie, to keep their dirty little secrets.
There’s no one single difference between Psychopathy, and Sociopathy, but this is just one: Psychopaths are born that way, while sociopaths are made antisocial, through years of abuse, and grooming to learn how to lie, convincingly.
That’s how Molly/Emily/Mei Lien… She’s not going to tell you her real name, any more than the real story of how she was abused. Taught how to keep a secret, and perform sexually to reassure her low self esteem. She’s not mixed race, she got the idea for naming her character after the Lotus Flower from the Makanese Flag, and looked it up. She never made it with Spanish boys in Frenchie’s Field either, she just fingered herself, and teased her asshole without penetrating it, with her nails, as part of her Plantasy.
It’s how they develop their MO, she’s just a writer, of erotic fiction, from an early age, as a record of her plantacies. Years of them, before she’s old, and confident enough to actually find victims (Other than her little brother) to molest, and rape. I know the truth, which ones are plantacies, and which ones are self serving lies, to hide her true crimes, and make them sound even more badass than they really are, but she’s not a pedophile.
Honestly, she hates children, especially herself for being too young, and too weak to get into sex. If you red this far, and you don’t mind doing a little research, the actual Profile is an Anger-Retaliatory serial rapist, but she prefers little boys, because they’re weak, and raping them makes her feel big, and strong.
However, she’s also an opportunistic offender. So, she’ll happily go off script, and improvise, even break her own victimology, whenever she has the chance. She’s not gay, bisexual, nor even straight. She never got the chance to develop any of the normal sexualities, so she was twisted around so a predator.
That is her sexuality. I just thought that if I showed a more typical, male, teenage offender, it might shed light on her. I know it’s confusing, unthinkable, and honestly, that’s how she gets away with it for so long. Everybody knows that rapists are men, and little girls are victims, right?
“May” (gb Alias Lies)
“Go out, and play.” I heard the door shut, and then a little later, his little footsteps over to the swing set.
I was in the doghouse, literally. We didn’t have a dog, whoever moved out before us must have, but they took the dishes with them. The chain, but they left a posed screwed into the dirt with a clump of concrete in the bottom.
So, he couldn’t pull it out, it took a long time to dig down deep enough to see why it didn’t just unscrew. It wouldn’t budge, even with a stick stuck through the hole in the end to twist it with both arms.
“Huh!” I was hoping Freddy would come out again. Nope, just his little boyfriend walking back, with the seat across the back of his pants, to hold the chains up, as far as he could. He jumped, laughing, and swinging out, but my panties were dry.
The dirty ones crusted up, and even flaked off, until there was nothing left to smell, so I washed them. My favorite pair, I wore them hoping he’d notice, but he cared more about seeing what’s inside.
Too bad, he never climbed over the fence, or even stuck it through, no matter how many times I tried to pull it out, where I could try to get it in my mouth. He’s probably too big anyway, but the little boy. He’s not just little, but he’s also gay.
“That little fairy,” Freddy called him. Alphie, the alpha dog. Biggest dick on the block, I ever seen, anyway. The least he could do is reach over the fence, and show me how it’s done. He’s got big fingers too, not too big, but I don’t know where he is, this afternoon.
He just didn’t come home, he doesn’t always, right after school. I’m just bored, and lonely enough, and I can climb up on the doghouse, in the corner, to get a better look.
Nope, still just kicking his little shoes, and swinging back, and forth. Oblivious, and innocent? I don’t know about that, but he can get it up, for Alphie. He hates being called that, but of course he’s gay for him. The alpha male, and his big dick. His big balls too, when it’s warm enough for him to get them out.
“Hey, uh!” Before I know it, my feet hit the ground, and I look back. In the wrong yard, I don’t know when I decided to jump over, but then it was too late. I looked at the gate, between the house, and the garage, but they had a lock on it, so he couldn’t get out.
He jumped, and the chains swung, the seat bounced, but he got up, and turned around. “Oh, hello.”
He looked up, maybe a little confused about what I was doing in his yard, I couldn’t tell. He didn’t ask, so I just skipped ahead. “Uh, I’m bored, and lonely, you want to play?”
“Trucks.” He just ran off, to get his truck, in the middle of the yard.
“Huh!” I looked around, but it’s quiet, this time of day. “Truck, or trucks?”
He turned around, and held it up, with that stupid look on his face. Stupid boy. “Uh! That’s just one truck, so why don’t you play with it, while I watch?”
“Brm broom!” He spun he wheels with his hand.
“Yeah, but trucks don’t fly, they roll around on the ground.” Sure enough, he bent over, and kept making motor noises, rolling it around on the ground.
“Uh, your pants, they’re about to fall down.” I lied, and reached over. He still had his shirt tucked in, so I couldn’t even see his back, let alone his butt. “No, don’t stop driving, I’ll do it. Huh!”
He squirmed, as soon as I got my thumb in there, and wiggled it in his warm butt crack.
“Cold.” He sat down, and reached back. Scooted in the mud.
“Well, now you’re all dirty, you dirty little boy. Look at your pants, they’re filthy!”
He got up, and spun around, twisting back to try to see the brown wet spots. “You look like you shit your pants.” I stopped him. “Let me show you. Hold still, stop squirming around, you little shit.” I pulled them down. “Take them off.”
He pulled his undies up, but too late to stop me seeing his little dingle dangle under the front of his shirt. “Huh, now your balls are cold, and shriveled up.” I groped him. “See? See what you did? Now I have to warm them up.”
“Sowy.” He squirmed, and I grabbed his pants to give him a wedgy. Pull the crotch tight over hit little privates, and rub them hard. “Uh, come on. Come on, can’t you get it up for a girl, you little faggot? Huh? You can get it up for Freddy, you know I’ve sen you playing with yourself with him, you filthy little faggot. What, you want it up the but?”
“Ow, ow, it hurts!”
“Serves you right, you filthy little shit.”
“MHN!” He struggled, but I held his face in my shirt. “NWR RHEEEI!”
“Huh, yeah. You little shit, tight little shitter, too. Uh, huh! Is that blood? Huh!” I just sat down. “Ohm!” Covered up my mouth, “Mh!” Shook my head, but it was too late.
“Wahuhuhuh!” He pulled his undies, and pants up, crying, and I looked at my finger nail. The blood running down the side, and turned it over to see more, under the white side. the unpolished side, i sniffed it, and made a face, when i smelled poop. Too.
“Oh, come here. It’s okay, just. Huh! As long as you learned your lesson. You know, you’re not supposed to play those gay games with him, and I know. Believe me, I know how large, and tempting it is, when he’s got his big dick out, and.” I shook my head, “Huh, if you promise not to do it any more. Ever again, then I don’t have to tell your mommy, you’re gay. Okay?”
“Now, go back in, and take a bath. You better throw away your underwear, so mommy doesn’t see it, but if she asks you. Why you’re bleeding in it, you better tell her that you stuck your finger in there, and scratched yourself. Okay? What do you say, if anybody asks you, why your bleeding?”
“It iched, and I scratched it.”
“Good, that’s a good story. You know, if your mommy found out, that anybody else punished you, she’ll be mad. That’s her job.”
“Nu uh. My daddy. he spanks me when I’m bad, and he’s mad. Don’t tell him, pwease.”
“Okay, I promise. He doesn’t have to know what a filthy little fagot you are, if you get rid of the bloody undwear quick, before somebody finds it. Go quick, before the get home!” He ran up the steps, and beat up on the door.
“Oh, shit!” I forgot, she sent him out to play in the first place, and I’m ditching school, too. I had to hide, behind their garage, until she let him in.
“What is it?”
“I have to go poddy.”
“Well, wipe your feet, before you get mud every.’ She slammed the door, and I caught my breath.
“Huh!” The perfect crime. Even if she went in there, to potty train him, and saw the blood in his undies, he’d tell her his own story. It itched, so he scratched it, it wasn’t gay. I wasn’t just butt raped, and had my cherry broken, before Alphie did it, but I know he’s going to.
I bet he’s going to nail him, he’s just waiting until he’s big enough to take it up the ass, and by then, he’ll be healed from my finger nail. “Ew.”
As much as I wanted to taste first blood, it was still too stinky, to lick it up. So, i wiped it on my skirt, and threw my jacket over, the tops of the fence to climb back over.
Back in the dog house, I had something to think about, while I got dirty. A dirty finger, to fell inside me, knowing full well where it’s been, even though my cherry was long gone. Now, he knows how it feels. “Uh, huh!” Up the butt. “Uh, huh ah AH!”
Mom (Fg Talk)
“Mom, what are you doing here?” I had her pulled out of class.
“We need to talk, in private?” The school nurse left. “I talked to our doctor, and she got the tests back.” I picked up the bottle. Shook it.
“Anti-biotics. Read the label, carefully, and follow the directions.”
“Huh, it turns out, that you don’t have a yeast infection.” I ran water in a paper cup for her to wash it down yet.
“I haven’t had lunch yet.” She showed me, “It says not to take on an empty stomach.”
“Oh, yes. Of course.” I took a deep breath, “Um, I hate to ask, but. You haven’t been wiping, back to front?”
“No, why?” She stuck them in her purse.
“Huh, well. You better sit down, too.” I scooted over, and held her shoulders. “It wasn’t a yeast infection, so you can stop using the anti-fungal creme. It’s. E, coli.”
“Oh. That’s. Uh.” She turned away and shook her head.
“Gut bacteria, and it’s okay, even a little healthy to have in your. Guts, but.”
“Huh! Well?” She shrugged, “I’m sorry, but, I’ve been fooling around. A little. Back there, and. Playing with myself. I didn’t think that I could give myself an infection, but. Mom, have you ever tried. Anal?”
“Sex? No, of course not.”
“Huh, well. I don’t know, whether I like it better that way, or.”
“Who have you been.”
“Nobody? i told you, I was just playing with myself, but. Huh, I have this friend, and she trained it. With her boyfriend, and she liked it, so I thought I’d try it. I liked it so much, I was curious whether it felt as good, the other way. The normal way, and it did, but I couldn’t decide, so. I guess, I went back and forth. Just once.”
“Huh, well I hope you learned you lesson, and I don’t want you listening to that girl. If she’s putting such sick ideas in your head. Okay?”
“Okay, I promise.”
“No go eat, and take your pills.” I feel a little ill myself. “I swear.”
“Oh,” the nurse came back in, “Are you feeling all right?”
I took a sip of water, and shook my head. “Hey, you work with children here. Is it normal for them to.” I shook my head, but she pulled out a little shelf, from under the padded table. “Huh, take an interest, an unhealthy interest, in adult. Activities?”
“Your daughter, she’s in what?”
“Has she had her menarche?”
“Her first period.”
“No, I. Don’t think so. She’s only nine.”
“Well, that’s a little toward the lower end of the scale, but it’s not unheard of.” She got up, and unlocked a cabinet. Took down a book.
“Do you teach sex education here?”
“No, abstinence only, but.” I sighed with relief, “I do have assemblies, on health, puberty.” She finished flipping back.
“I didn’t get mine until I was eleven.” She sat down, on the metal shelf again, and turned the book around.
“Well, see here that the usual range for onset of puberty could be as young as nine.”
“She’s almost 10.”
“Birthday in May?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Well, different girls develop differently. Some start with menarche, while others may begin pubarche, or thelarche.” She pointed to a chart, with pictures of girl’s shoulders, and nipples.
“Oh, I suppose I started there. Then I got my period, and then I started getting, body hair?”
“Well, sometimes daughters take after their mothers, while others may take after their father’s side, it’s usually a combination, so it’s not unusual for them to develop slightly differently, in a different generation.”
“Huh, but what about. Psychologically?”
“I’m not a psychologist.”
“No, but would you mind speaking with her about, all this?”
“I can’t give her a psychological evaluation.”
“No, but there’s no way I can remember all that, and I can’t borrow that book?” She frowned, “What?”
“Honestly? I don’t mean any offence, but you seem to be avoiding the whole issue.”
“Well, for a school nurse, that insists you’re not a psychologist. You sure hit the nail on the head.”
“Let me guess. Religious upbringing?”
“No, public, but you remember how it was, back in our day. We didn’t have phones, with internet, and you couldn’t just look up.” I shook my head, and bit my lip.
“Huh, I thought that it must have been her brother, but now that I think about it.” he’s even younger, so why would he even be interested in, that. Sort of site?
“Well, if you don’t mind a little unqualified, non-psychological advice, you might want to think about it, and talk to your daughter more, but if you would like me to.”
“Honestly, I’m a little curious myself, but you’re going to have to sign some forms, while your’re here.”
“What are these?”
“A release, for me to talk about things, openly, and honestly with her. I also have some specialists, I can refer you to. I think you better talk to.” She dug around in a box full of cards. “Oh, yes.” She handed it over. “Call her, and try to be as honest with her as you can.” She shook her head.
“You’re not homophobic at all?”
“No, why? I don’t have a problem with them, what they do in their own marriages is just fine.”
“Good, then call her.”
I looked at the card, and flipped it over. Nothing on the back. “Why, is she a. Lesbian?”
“It’s not my closet,” she shook her head, “Just call her, all right?”
“Okay.” I finished signing the forms, and gave her the pen back. Took another sigh of relief, and thought about.
Maybe seeking some help? I don’t know, I think this Doctor Andrews, Psy-D is for me, but. I’m not insane, am I? Maybe I’m in denial, a little, but god damnit, I never thought that I would have to deal with these things, while she’s still in elementary school!
I’m just not prepared for this yet, so maybe she can help me prepare myself. If she is, already playing with herself, so young, and anal?
Seriously? No, I’m not ready to talk about that. Just to hear her say that word made me want to run screaming from the room, but I stuck it out.
So, “Yeah.” I better call her, when I get home. Before it’s too late.
“Nice to meet you,” I got up, and shook hands. “You don’t have to sit down.” She looked around, “If you’d rather pace.”
“No, but that chair if very comfortable, I assure you.” She sat down, and got comfortable, so I started pacing. “It helps me thing. Now, if I remember correctly, you’re here to talk about your daughter?”
“Yes, I had a bit of a shock, when she came down with something. At first, we thought it was a yeast infection, but then it turned out to be E-coli.”
“A vaginal, E-coli infection?”
“I have our OB-GYN’s card, if you’d like to talk to her.”
“Keep it. We’re colleageus, but I’ll have you sign some forms if you’d like her to share the medical records.”
“Is that standard?”
“To document possible breaches of confidentiality. If that’s a problem.”
“Oh no. That’s not what I’m having trouble with, I’m just not. Very comfortable talking to her about sex.”
“Well, she’s too young, and honestly, I never even thought about such things until I was a teenager, so I wasn’t prepared for it, especially. The anal stuff?”
“Well, that explains the E-coli infection.” I leaned over to jot down some notes.
“I’m still not very comfortable with the idea of it. You have to understand that when we’re growing up, that was considered Sodomy, and I never even considered.” She shifted uncomfortably. “That, with my husband. Before.”
“Before you talked to your daughter?”
“Huh, well. I.” She loosened her collar, and bushed her hair back with the back of her hand. I noticed the flush, below the foundation of her makeup, so she was getting hot under the collar. “I haven’t, discussed it with him. Yet, actually. How do you talk about something like that, with your husband?” She looked up, “Or wife?”
“I’m not married.”
“Look, Dr. Anderson?”
“You can call me Maud, if it helps.”
“It may, but. I’m not homophobic, but I noticed the pamphlets you have out in the waiting room.” She pulled out one. The teal one, How to talk to your LGBTAC friends, or family.
“I know this is confidential, but. It’s also about trust, right?” I nodded. “Well, I feel that I might be able to trust you more, if I knew who i was talking to. Maud.”
“Huh, well. Okay, but.” I sat down, “If you don’t mind avoiding anything too personal.”
“Well, let’s start with this.” She held up the paper. “I assume that L stands for Lesbian, and G is Gay?”
“B is bisexual.”
“Of course, that’s why it’s in between?”
“I’m not sure, but it’s a safe assumption.”
“What’s the A?”
“Ace, could mean asexual, or ambiguous. It used to be Q for Questioning, but that caused some confusion for Queer, some people in the community wanted to take that away from the homophobes, while others were naturally offended, and it caused too much of a rift, to they just dropped the Q all together.”
She shook her head, confused. “Asexual, like a plant?”
“No, celibate, but celibacy stemming from a lack of interest in sex, with either. It’s more of an either, neither or both.”
“Oh, I understand, but what about Ts?”
“Yes, i know, like a man trapped in a woman’s body, but.”
“No, I’m not transgender.”
“Put me down for celibate, my interest in sex and gender is more academic.”
“Look, stop. I know, what a shame people seem to think.”
“I’m sorry, i didn’t mean to upset you, but. Maybe we better get back to the problem. I have with my daughter.’
“Well, there’s only so much we can talk about her in absentia, because diagnostically, I can’t really weight anything I hear secondhand, even from her mother.”
“Well, even if you talked to her, good luck getting the truth out of her. Oh, no. I don’t mean it that way, she’s a good kid, she’s just very secretive, and honestly, it’s Well, private? I don’t want to pry, or make her uncomfortable, that just makes her withdraw, and even more depressed.”
“So, she has trouble with depression?”
“I don’t know, any more than I did, when I was that age.”
“Well, we can talk about that, but try to relax. We may have to circle back to that later, when you’re less upset, and more comfortable, but any feeling you may be having now, may color your recollection of what it was like before, especially associating with the problems your daughter is having. That’s one of the dangers of talking about things like sexuality, and our feelings about it. Especially when you’re avoident, and you mentioned denial.”
“Did I? Well, huh! I suppose, I have been, in denial, about some things.”
“Well, that’s a start. What sorts of things have you been realizing, you may have been in denial about?”
“Huh, well? Honestly, the one that’s really bothering me, is how long it’s taken me to enjoy my. Anus.”
“So, you have been experimenting with that.” I got up to pace.
“Mhm? I thought that it might be, the sort of thing that homosexuals did. Homosexual men, and men that wanted to talk you into it, to live out some latent homosexual fantasy.”
“I’m sorry, I know that’s a myth.”
“Well, if it is, it’s one I hadn’t heard of before, but. Go on.”
“My husband, he never asked, or showed any interest in it, but. Before we really got to know each other, I had a boyfriend. Another man that I was dating at the time, and he. Pressured me into, premarital sex.”
“That’s a pretty common one.”
“A common myth?”
“Well, as far as requiring marriage to have sex, adultery, and all that. Religious sexist possessive ownership. Bullshit. If you’ll pardon my French.”
“Oh, no. You’re right, but I finally broke it off with him, when he started. Well, he said he slipped.”
“Well, the back seat of his car, but he liked me to bend over, and he. Huh! He kept trying to go in, the back door, and then when I called him on it. He made excuses about it being dark, he couldn’t see very well, or he slipped. Up, to touch it to my anus. I finally got fed up with that, and we had one fight too many, but he never came right out, and asked me if I would like, to try. Sodomy?”
“So, you thought that it was homosexual, and he desired a man, instead of you.”
“Well, no. They caught him later, and arrested him, for prostitution. With me, gay men. The didn’t say whether he was pitching or catching, but I could guess. You don’t suppose that he was actually bisexual all along?”
“I wouldn’t even hazard a guess. Again, he’s not my patient,” I counted on my fingers, “I don’t know him, this is an old memory that is clouded by years of obsessing over it.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say, I obsessed about it. I was just relieved when i found a man that never had any interest in that, so I married him.”
“Well, regardless. We’re talking about, thirdhand hearsay, at the very least, and sexuality isn’t a mental illness, I or anyone else can diagnose.”
“Of course not,” she sighed, “I guess I’ll never know, but I hadn’t thought about that possibility.”
“Well, talk to your husband.”
“I told you that I don’t know how, or even where to begin, that sort of conversation.”
“About your daughter? He knows her better than I do, and maybe he can help you figure out how to approach her, together.”
“Oh, huh! I hadn’t even thought of that.”
“Well, you’re both his parents, and honestly one parent taking sole responsibility for this isn’t fair to you.”
“Oh, you think that may be, what’s causing my problems?”
“No, I don’t know, it’s usually multiple things. With motivations, and denial, if it’s not one thing, it’s two, but it’s something you can try. And who knows, that may help you talk to him, about trying something new in bed with you, too.”
“Well, thanks, doctor. I feel a lot better, but how much time do we have?”
“That’s a good place to start. Honestly, I’m hungry, and I fit you in the start of my lunch hour, so let’s get you those forms, for your daughter’s medical records.”
I went out for a smoke, while I had the house to myself. I wasn’t about to smoke in the house, even though it was cold out, but I heard the swing next door. The chain shake, and looked over just in time to see the boy next door land.